Buzz Pee-Year To The Rescue

So the mini-ninja had a minor setback in being potty trained, and then my subconscious comes up with this.

I dreamed I was walking down the street and a Godzilla-sized Buzz Lightyear toy stomped past me, then turned around and peed all over me.  When the second Buzz Lightyear appeared, I told myself I was having a nightmare and woke myself up.

Workin’ for a Schoolin’

I dreamed I was at a High School College, and I was so glad I knew my schedule and locker combination, but then I forgot it and got really mad at myself. I think my exact thought was, “stupid dream!” Then I was offered a job at Subway, even though they made fried mozzarella sticks and pizzas instead of sandwiches, and since the only thing I had on my schedule for 8 AM was donuts and drivers with a friend, I agreed to work for a woman who reminded me of Sue Sylvester from Glee. When we started the morning shift, I was torn between making salads and just tossing kitchen utensils around, but I really wanted to roll pizza dough around the mozzarella sticks. Unfortunately, every time I tried, the pizza dough turned into sloppy joes on hot dog buns and i just couldn’t get a tit weak around the cheese.

The Heaven Basement

I dreamed I was with a group of people and we were all waiting in line in heaven’s basement, which was huge and ramble like an old storybook castle, and eventually we passed by a room where Whoopi Goldberg was selling vacation packages to Florida while we waited to get into heaven. We knew it was a light offer, because Whoopi was an angel, but I woke up before we decided if we were going to Florida.

Vamps, Take Two

I dreamed I was Buffy again. This time, I teamed up with both Spike and Angel (go me!!) and we were in high school, except because Angel is so old, he was a teacher, and because Spike was immature, he was a student like Buffy-me.

At first, we went with our posse into an old house, but the bad guy, who was a literary agent who was stalking me, set the house on fire and we had to escape through the sewer portal that Spike found. Then we were in school, putting posters up, and Angel declared he was taking care of this, once and for all, and he disappeared into the bathroom. I sent Spike to check on him, but Spike came back and reported he’d disappeared, so we went to class. In the classroom, I saw a guy and instantly knew he was a demon, even though nobody else knew I was the vampire slayer. So I stood and attacked the guy, and his demon face popped out (he looked like a dark Davy Jones) and then he disappeared, but I kept doing my ninja moves on the invisible demon while my classmates watched. When ripped the demon’s heart out, everybody cheered and Angel came in and said he was getting his shoulder fixed, then we went for ice cream. Angel had a waffle cone with butter pecan, but the rest of us had frozen chocolate-stuffed bananas wrapped in maple ice cream and shaped like a giant dilly bar about the size of our heads.

The Intergalactic Princess Dream

This one’s from my personal archives over 4 years ago on a Sunday morning, but I love it too much to let it go.  In fact, I have an old neighbor who still calls me the Intergalactic Princess, thanks to this dream.  Enjoy!

I had the coolest dream last night. I was chosen to be one of 12 intergalactic princesses. Actually, there might have been some intergalactic princes in there with us, too, but I can’t remember clearly.

In my dream, after I became one of the anointed ones, I had to go stand with the other 11 on this round metal plate on the space ship that was marked with our names. I was number 6. And when all of us were standing on our names, then the spaceship could move. Most everyone else fell off the round metal plate when we actually took off, but I was super-intergalactic princess and helped them all hang on.

The first place we stopped when our riverboat space ship docked was this place where everyone was so humble they thought we wouldn’t ever talk to them, but then we did. We shared food, and they worshipped us for being good intergalactic river royalty. We made them happy by gracing them with our presence, and I felt good about myself. I was such a cool intergalactic princess. Apparently a nice stuck-up one, too.🙂

Then I woke up, thought, “Gee, that was a fun dream,” and promptly went back to sleep where I was once again an intergalactic princess. Except this time I was in a line to get my alien husband. (Somehow in my dream it made sense that I had to have one, and the ninja-spouse understood and didn’t mind.) The people in front of me cheated and didn’t fill out the right paperwork to actually be married, but I was paired with Stitch (the blue alien dude from Lilo and Stitch), so I was okay with it. And then we had a fight, and Stitch got sent to the isolated part of the ship. Probably because he made an intergalactic princess mad. But while he was in isolation, he was building a new army to help him break out of isolation and do good for all mankind. Probably without being a snot.

That’s about when I woke up for real, got up for the day, did the showering/breakfast/Sunday morning church thing, and then went out to brunch with some friends. And this is where the exploding nose comes into play.

I was about half a mile from home after breakfast when this darn cold of mine kicked in again. I felt the tickle in my nose, braced myself, and sneezed. But really, saying my nose exploded is a more appropriate explanation of what happened. And wouldn’t you know it, I didn’t have a single tissue anywhere within reach in my car.

I was almost home, just a block away, when I passed a neighbor out walking. And she saw me holding a hand up to my nose in a rather awkward position, as I was holding my nose gunk in my hand while it continued to sprinkle down out my nose and off my face. And all I could do was blush, because I needed one hand to drive and the other to keep me clean. I was so close to getting home with no witnesses, too.

So, in a matter of 3 hours, I went from intergalactic princess to snot girl.  That’s humility for you.

Imaginary Vampire Slayer

I had this dream that I was married to something that was sort of like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and we were wandering around a college campus that had a lot of elevators and bathrooms in it.  I was telling my Aunt Sue about how I was so glad this wasn’t a dream, because I hated those dreams where I was in school and I didn’t know where my classes were or I hadn’t studied for a test, but I knew where the water fountain was, except suddenly the hallway we were walking through wasn’t the same hallway anymore, and the water fountain wasn’t underneath the toothpick airplane sculptures like it used to be.  Then I was in the bathroom, and Spike had told me I was a vampire slayer, so all the women in the bathroom gave me pencils since I’d lost my wooden stake.  Then I couldn’t tell the difference between real vampires and real people, so I just closed my eyes and started doing ninja moves with my pencils slicing through the air, yelling, “Heeee-yah!” and even though I didn’t hit anything, I convinced myself I’d just taken out all the female vamps.  Then I wandered past an electronics store, and all the boy vamps were on the screens, so I slashed the screens with my pencil (they were thin screens, made out of paper or something), and then I felt dumb for battling more imaginary vampires and I ran away before the store owner knew I was the one who slashed his screens.  But I still managed to convince myself I’d taken out all the vamps.

Then the mini-ninja woke up, having wet the bed, and he started crying, which woke me up, and I have no idea what happened to me being an imaginary vampire slayer after that.

Jewish Agnostic Idol

So the dream started fairly standard for a nightmare. I was at the OB for my glucose test. (Shudder.). And I was telling the girl in front of me, who’s swigging the nasty sugar drink, that I passed out and threw up the last time I took the glucose test (true story) and then, because I like to be optimistic and I didn’t want to scare the poor thing, I added that it wasn’t that bad. (Yes, it was.)

So of course, we fast forward in the dream, and I’m the team leader for one-fifth of the contestants on American Idol. I’m also a contestant, but it’s my job to organize my team into small groups for competition. Then, as the first group starts dancing and singing in the trees (did I mention we were at a campground?), I realized I’d forgotten to put myself in a group, and I got kinda desperate since I really wanted to go to Hollywood.

But then I was sitting in a big barn at a Jewish service with my friends Jen and Rob who don’t really go to church anywhere but in my dreams had signed up to be the host couple one weekend a month. In the middle of the service, the Rabbi gave me Communion, then Jen started the wave. Afterwards, I told Rob about my American Idol dream, and a train came by with fireworks crackling in all of its cars, and even though we were at the end of the track, Rob kept yelling for people to quit setting off fireworks in the trains. Then all the cars separated and were driven by individual drivers, and they headed up the quaint little main street behind the Jewish barn, and I realized I’d seen that intersection before, but I have no idea where.

Then I woke up.

I’m a Nut

I had this dream that wasn’t all that clear, but I’m pretty sure I was a cashew, and I was married to a raspberry, and we decided to divorce since we’d never be able to have children, and I rode away from my raspberry love on a bicycle.

So That’s Where The Body Went

I dreamed that it was my high school graduation day, but one of the parents wanted to hold our entire class back even though we’d gotten all A’s because he believed we’d benefit from taking other classes that the high school had to offer. I told him to do something anatomically impossible and demanded my diploma, since college classes would be better than more high school classes, but then suddenly I was in some kind of medical school watching Michael Jackson’s autopsy. When the med student in charge pulled out an axe to chop his head off, I had to leave the room. They told me he’d been sown back together, and suddenly the ninja-spouse’s crazy hippie aunt was there, and she told me it was time for the funeral. So we all piled into cars, and my best fried from college drove me, along with some RWA chapter mates, to a huge church that had services for all sorts of denominations, and it was just a big plain building and more and more folding chairs kept appearing. Then, in the middle of the service, the ninja-spouse’s crazy hippie aunt stood up and announced to everyone that we were knew, so we had to parade around the folding chairs, all 30 or so of us, holding the new baby up high. Some woman to the leaves that were my coat and ate them, so I was a little cold,but then I got to eat a meat pie while the funeral started. And as I sat there watching Michael Jackson’s funeral in my local church, I realized that the ninja-spouse’s crazy hippie aunt had stolen his body, and for once, I knew more about the story than the National Enquirer.
Then we all went out to breakfast.

Glee Shifters

I dreamed that I was going to school at the Glee high school, and I was on the Talent Team, and we were having other high schools over to compete with in our backyard. We sang, we danced, we played basketball, and an airplane flew over and released banners and balloons. Mickey Mouse and Tigger and Pooh came by, and the mini-ninja got all excited, but they left when it was time to announce Entertainer Coach Of The Year awards. Sue Sylvester knew she won, so she raced to the front of the stage, and when anyone got in her way, she shape-shifted into a tiger and growled at them. I felt good when she was actually awarded second place, because she put me in a muu-muu costume.

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