Archive for July, 2010


I dreamed I was Superman and Lois’s sidekick (the Dean Cain/Teri Hatcher combo) and when I stopped at my house to make coffee for the mini-ninja, this pint-sized thug broke into my house and I had to go all ninja on his ass.  (I did it in style this time, leaping up and holding my body horizontal, Matrix-style, while delivering ninja kicks and punches to his face.)  When the midget finally ran away, I realized his dog had popped my cat’s front leg off, so I had to suspend ninja operations to call the vet.  But my cat is tough – she didn’t seem to notice her leg was missing.  Technically, though, I guess it wasn’t missing, since I had it to take the to vet so it could get reattached.  Except the vet wouldn’t call me back.


I am not me

I dreamed I was a baby shark and my dad was protecting me from twenty other fish who were attacking us by eating them, and he told me to swim away and hide but instead I spit on the fish he was eating.

Then I dreamed I was a contestant in a beauty pageant and we got to ride on Sea-Doos in the swimming pool, and when my cousin and I went to pick up the cover models, they started chasing us, so we had to hide in the mall.

Then I dreamed I was a muppet mouse, and three of my muppet-mouse friends touched the wall and it vibrated and melted away to reveal train tracks with muppet mouse-sized train cars, and my scientist put me and the other muppet mice on Thomas and Cars train cars to see how far we could go, then to see who could get out first to go to the cat.  (Yes, cat.  Like kitty-cat.  Like muppet mouse suicide.)  One of my little muppet mouse buddies cheated by renumbering himself and he got released first, though it bothered me that he was smart enough to count.  I, on the other hand, was smart enough to not want to go to the cat.

Prom Hair

I dreamed that the ninja-spouse took me to make an appointment to get my hair cut, but since it was prom season, we ended up with an appointment for Fourth of July, and we had dinner and a show instead.  We went to this local restaurant that serves amazing food for the podunk town we live in, but instead of just getting the fantastic grouper dish, we had to move out of the way as the owners and crew sand and danced all over the restaurant.

Then I was back in high school.  Again.  And I was helping my big daddy investigate the bad smoothie water, since somebody was poisoning it.  Also, some hick locals were burying stolen treasure in their basement but we had to solve the water problem before Big Daddy wanted to hear about it.

Then I couldn’t get a hair appointment again, so I went back to the hoe-down at the high school, where everyone snubbed me but I couldn’t figure out why.  The prom queen started a fight with me while a yearbook photographer was watching, so I started throwing fake punches and then posing as if I were being attacked when the photographer took the picture.

Then my RWA chaptermates flagged me down from their little corner in the cafeteria tent, and it seemed prudent to go hang out with people who actually liked me.

Gunslinging Ninjas and Touchdown Jesus

I dreamed on was on the NCIS crew (with Gibbs, not with Chris O’Donnell), and we had to ride a falling elevator to the bottom of a building where we were fixing up an old school bus.  My team was half NCIS, half old high school classmates.  Then the bad guys came in, and they were all old high school classmates too.  When they tried to shoot at my team, I was the only one who could fire back, but all I had was a revolver, so while my aim was deadly (except for the bullets that evaporated on contact), it took me a while to reload.  Finally we took care of the bad guys, and I had to go live with my parents as part of the witness protection program.  We took the bus past the burnt-out statue of Touchdown Jesus on the way there, and most of my family was on the bus.  (Don’t worry – it was a roomy bus.)

Random Ninjaness

I dreamed I was a member of the secret brotherhood of lawn-mowing ninjas, and we went to mow my grandma’s grass during an annual family get-together but my dad beat us to it.  Then I was in this maze building and I couldn’t find the mini-ninja and I couldn’t decide which stairway to go down, plus my lawn mower wouldn’t fit.  Then we went to a ballgame where a fight broke out but nobody saw who started it, and the whole city was there and nobody could leave until we cleaned up the wine glasses I broke.

Disney World Mall, I Only Wish It Was A Dream Edition

I did not dream this.  I actually lived it.

The mini-ninja was just barely potty-trained when we went to Disney World.  Our last day there, after he’d been so good about staying potty trained for three days on the road, we went to Animal Kingdom and took him to the Lion King show, and halfway through the show, he peed on me.  My pants soaked it all up, so hardly anything went on the floor, but I looked like I’d wet my pants.  Soooo could’ve used some ninja dream psychic power to see that coming.

Then he tripped and scraped his knee for the second time in three days, and he cried. And bled on me.  And cried.  And bled on Grandma.  And cried some more and bled some more.  So we finally got him calmed down and the bleeding stopped and rewarded him with a bug sundae.  (And I was disappointed that the bug sundae had gummy worms instead of gummy bugs in it, but that’s beside the point.)  All was cool with the mini-ninja and with the world.

Until he flipped the melted ice cream upside down and all over my foot.

So I left the mini-ninja with the ninja-spouse and headed to the bathroom where I stuck my whole foot, sandal and ice cream and all, right into the sink.  And then every stall door in that bathroom and the equivalent of an entire high school girls’ soccer team walked toward the sinks at once while I stood there in wet pants, blood-stained shirt, and ice cream all over my foot.

I take solace in knowing I was their public service announcement for the day, but really, I would’ve felt cooler if I’d just ninja-chopped all the badness in my dreams instead.

Disney World Mall, Sleepless Edition

While at Disney World, I dreamed I was at the hotel we were staying at and the cleaning staff was having this huge old party right outside my room at 2 AM, and no matter what I did, they wouldn’t leave so I could get some sleep.

True story.  I really did dream that I couldn’t sleep.

Disney World Mall, High School Edition

The night before we arrived at Disney World, I dreamed I was a spy at the Disney World Mall High School.  My friend Jenny played the part of Veronica Mars and was my sidekick.  We snuck into a secure Federal Disney World Mall High School Building by pretending to be CIA/FBI agents, so we could watch the real agents investigate a spy who turned out to be the ninja-spouse’s brother-in-law’s mother (does that make her the ninja-spouse’s mother-in-law-in-law once removed?  Let’s just call her the NSBILM.).  So, the agents showed the ninja-spouse’s BIL a jell-o mock-up of his mother’s brain, so he could touch it and feel closer to her, except he kissed it instead, and then he saw his mom hiding in the shadows and he exposed her.  Then we all used purple elephant play-doh to wash our hands.*

*TOTAL WEIRDNESS!!  The next day, in real life, we arrived at Disney World, checked into our hotel/resort area, and were wandering around when we saw this:

And finally, my dreams scared me.

Don’t you be messing with my sister, Witch

I dreamed that I went all ninja on a sorceress’s ass when she tried to put a bad boyfriend spell on my sister.  We were fighting over the spell (me and the sorceress, not me and my sister) when an old dude in a pickup pulled up and told us to go to the beach.  So we left the old Victorian house we were at and suddenly we were walking through the sand amidst sea turtles and stingrays and dolphins and crocodiles and these weird prehistoric Nessie-looking creatures that had small teeth and might or might not have been friendly, so I didn’t get too close.  When the croc grinned at me, though, I called it quits on the dream and woke up.

Disney World Mall, Wedding Edition

Just before we left for Disney World, I had some Disney World Dreams.  Like this one.

I dreamed I was going to my friend Joe’s wedding with my mom at the Disney World Mall, except when it was time for the wedding to start, my friend Ryan stepped in and said he wanted to get married, so he stole Joe’s bride and got married instead.  The wedding took place at the top of this huge tower with its beams exposed and I could grab the cable and feel the building swaying, which was remarkable since Ryan, the new groom, was afraid of heights.  After the wedding, Ryan and Joe sat down at opposite ends of a mine train ride that took us through wall-doors toward our rooms in the hotel, except every time we got close to somebody’s room, whichever groom was at the opposite end of the mine train flipped a switch so we went back the way we came and away from the room.

Then I asked my mom if she wanted to go get burgers at Joe Pocket’s (which is my subconscious’s combination of two of my favorite food places in Pensacola, even though I’ve never had a burger at either place), because I knew Joe Pocket’s served the best burgers in the world and that my mom loved them, but it was 6:15 and Joe Pocket’s closed at 6, so we went shopping for makeup instead.  Then we had the hamburger conversation two more times, once at 6:17 and once at 6:20, before I realized I was dreaming and woke up at 6:21.

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